I Wonder

I wonder what goes through your head when you think of me. When you see a picture of me or even when you look in the mirror. What do you say when people ask you. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt, but what happens when my head conflicts with my heart? What's the difference between Us? Not You & I. But Me & Them. Are you still expecting anything from me or have you removed all desires like I have? This feels like some sort of Tango. I dance. You dance. We dance. Then BOOM. Your solo. In which you do your dance & walk off the floor & leave me dripping in abandonement. I always wonder what you're thinking after the song ends.

Abandonement

How should I feel when I'm cast out? When my life is a revolving door. Or like a never ending stairway to acceptance. Every step I take is farther away from my goal. What do I do when I feel like my best isn't enough. Should I give them my worst? Should I turn my back on them?

The Push & Pull

I Hate you today to Love you tomorrow. I break you down only to build you up. I hurt you only to dress the wounds afterward. Your salty tears are sweet victory to me. Sometimes I push you away to pull you back again. All I ask is that you continue to play My Game.

5 W's of Life

1. How do you please the world and yourself?
2. How do you choose between art & science?
3. What happens when the left minded you combats with the right minded you? Like an immovable object and an unstoppable force?
4. What happens when you can't please everyone but in not doing so, you can't please yourself?
5. What happens when the grey skies don't clear long enough for the blues to subside?

Stupid

There are a couple things in life that I hit myself in the head for & ask myself ‘why was I so stupid?’ Meeting you was one. I scratch my head & try to drum up an explanation to my stupidity. Fool me once…shame on you. Fool me twice…I’m a fuckin’ sucker. Maybe I was lonely. Little bit naïve. But stupid nonetheless. You were a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You fooled me into actually thinking u gave a damn. I thought the day I lost her would be the last time I saw you. The bitter goodbye was a happy ending to our “story”. Then I get an im saying “I miss you sooo much. I just want to know if you’re ok & if I could see you.” My heart started to beat with lightning speed. But the blood in my brain chilled to zero. My mind saying “Oh hell no. he got some nerve hitting me up after that.” But my heart saying “OMG. I knew he cared.” I’m fine & yea, I can see you. Although I knew it was stupid, I typed what my heart told me to. You say “I’m glad you responded. I thought you would never talk to me again.”
My Mind- I wasn’t, you bastard!!!!!!!
My Heart- Oh.
You ask when you can see me * I tell you tomorrow.
My Mind-Shanee, u have plans tomorrow.
My Heart- I’ll cancel.
We go on with casual conversation & finally the day my heart has been waiting for comes. I hear a knock on the door & I feel a tingle in my abdomen. Sort of like the B.G.s but different. My heart beats triple times as I unlock & open the door. There you are with your work uniform on (just like old times). I invite you in & we talk. You take me to that place I’ve grown to love & hate. Then we come back down as you say you have to go & that we’ll continue tomorrow. After tomorrow comes, you tell me you’re leaving a couple days before my b-day. I try not to let my sadness run down my cheeks as I nod my head. It doesn’t. But the inner turmoil begins.
My Mind- You stupid, young girl. You’ve been taken for another ride. Hmph. Smh.
My Heart- Yea. I see.
A couple days later there’s another glimmer of hope & happiness that set me up for a letdown. You im me again, just as you have been but you tell me you wish you were staying.
My Mind- Don’t ask why. You’re not gonna be the reason.
My Heart- I may be. Shut up.
I type “why?”
“My brother’s having a baby. I won’t be here to see my nephew brought into the world.
Me- “Lol. Oh. Well, I gotta go. I’ll ttyl.
You- No. Don’t go.
Me- Text me. I’m GONE.
Literally & figuratively.


STUPID.